October 18, 2024

Forgiveness Is an Art

Stories are an advertisement for the virtues we value. And today’s stories are dominated by narratives that glorify personal indignation and revenge: John Wick, The Bourne Identity, and practically any…

The Return of the Hymnal

Before the service starts on Sunday morning at San Diego Reformed Church, the building fills with the sound of singing. Sean Kinnally, an associate pastor, leads a 45-minute Psalm-sing so…

After Making Baseball History, Branch Rickey Faced a Spiritual Crisis

On a summer night in 1956 at a camp center in the mountains near Estes Park, Colorado, Branch Rickey took the podium. His task: to deliver an address to the…

How Mexican Christians Reacted to Indigenous Inauguration Blessing

On October 1, Claudia Sheinbaum became Mexico’s first female president. Like her predecessors, she was sworn in at the Palacio Legislativo de San Lázaro and gave her inaugural address in…

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Beth Moore: God alone knows how many people are struggling with the same question amid culture wars, divisions, and honest differences in generational perspectives. 

Your family is a step ahead if you’re planning holidays together, and you should be free of obligation to attend your parents’ church. No one in my four family groups attends the same denomination; I’m just glad they like their churches! 

I’d advise grappling prayerfully with three questions, though: Would your parents be offended if you didn’t attend? How offended? And if your answers are yes and very, is it worth it? 

On the other hand, if you already know their church would bring out the worst in you (a danger to your parents’ hearts) or bring out your fight-or-flight response (a danger to your own heart), it’s wisest and most loving to attend different churches. 

But keep in mind that, often, it’s not just what we do but how we do it. Might you be willing to say some version of this? “I love you dearly, and I love that you love your church, but I’d like your blessing to attend my own tradition this holiday.” 

You’re a full-grown adult. You don’t need your parents’ permission to follow your convictions! But asking their blessing might soothe the sting. And if they give it, their blessing this time may free you up to bless them another time. 

Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.

Q: My church is leaning into cringey “Christianese” to the point that church life drastically differs from normal human interactions. Sermon points are forced into rhyme; women’s events center on flowers and men’s on grilling; and we were told to be intimate “prayer sisters” with people we’d just met. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable? —Muddled in Michigan

Kevin Antlitz: I believe I was born again with an allergy to Christianese. Not long after my conversion in high school, I had the chance to share about a church retreat I’d attended. I said I felt “on fire for Jesus” then added—with a straight face—that I was excited to go light my friends on fire. I’m not sure if my hearers knew I was being cheeky.

Why do Christians talk and act like this? The same reason most groups develop shared habits: Common language and practices bind us together and foster belonging.

Theologians have likened conversion to becoming fluent in a new language. We learn the stories, symbols, and habits of Christianity the way we acquire a new tongue. Much of this is inevitable and good.

But groups also tend to drift toward jargon and cliché. This is not so good, and it ultimately makes the church less hospitable. It excludes people unnecessarily and makes belonging more difficult. 

From the outside looking in, there’s already enough about Christianity that can seem foreign and hard to understand (2 Pet. 3:16). We needn’t make it less accessible by peddling cringe or reinforcing stereotypes. You’re not wrong to feel uncomfortable. 

To riff on Marilyn McEntyre’s Caring for Words in a Culture of Lies, I encourage you to care for words in a subculture of cringe. Call your church to the missionary task of translating the gospel into language that resonates with your neighbors. And who knows? Maybe one day you and your prayer sisters can meet over steaks.

Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three children under ten, whom they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus. 

Q: I’m in my early 30s and want to get married. I’ve been seeing a Christian guy I really respect, but I’m not sure I find him attractive or feel like we have a connection. How important is this when our values and lifestyles align? Would I be settling if I made it work? Would I be letting a good match go if I stopped seeing him? —Doubtful in Delaware

Kiara John-Charles: I empathize with your urgency to marry in your early 30s. And I’m sure you’ve heard advice like, “Don’t be too picky.” “At least he’s Christian.” “Don’t make marriage an idol.”

This guidance is based in some truth—sometimes we are too picky, shared faith is important, and nothing should rival our worship of God—but it isn’t always enough. Shared values and lifestyle are foundational to marriage, but they don’t guarantee compatibility. After all, there are likely multiple people in your church who fit these criteria.

You should genuinely enjoy the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life. Our society can reduce attraction to superficial concerns, but personality, presence, and temperament matter. So does the sense that your spouse values and cares for you. 

Consider how you’d feel if the Christian guy you’ve been seeing said of you, “I respect her, but I’m not sure I find her attractive or feel like we have a connection.” Would you want your future husband to think of you this way?

Marriage is a covenant that reflects God’s love (Eph. 5:25–33), and we should enter into it with reverence, not halfheartedly. “Settling” is in the eye of the beholder, and perhaps your connection will grow if you make it work with this person. But you deserve to marry someone whom your heart loves (Song 3:4), and so does he. 

Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.

Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.

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Beth Moore: I’m a big proponent of fellowship meals with other church members! Keith and I often have lunch with friends after worship service, and it somehow enriches our entire church experience, so I hope you will keep trying options until you find one that works. Here are a few ideas:

1.  Do you have a shopping mall food court in proximity to your church where you could pull tables together? It would provide multiple price ranges and wouldn’t impose restrictions on BYO. 
2. Have you looked into restaurants where kids eat free? This would be particularly helpful for larger families. 
3. Have you thought about rotating houses for BYO lunch? Or the host could provide a very simple sandwich, chips, and cookies meal. With even four couples or families, each would host only once a month, so the burden wouldn’t be especially heavy. You could also make a pact for a hard stop (perhaps an hour?) so hosts are not overwhelmed. (At my house, we lost our mood if we lost our Sunday afternoon nap.) 
4. Last, have you thought about gathering only on the first and third Sundays of each month, cutting the cost or hosting effort in half? 

Hang in there until you find something that works. Fellowship with other church members is such a large part of what makes church feel like family!

Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.

Q: One family in our church doesn’t seem to discipline their young son effectively. He’s hitting other kids at church, and while the parents say they’re dealing with it, nothing has changed. We and other families want our kids to stay away from their son, at least until he stops hitting. What should we do? —Frustrated in Florida

Kevin Antlitz: If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like a group of parents are talking about this frustrating situation and, essentially, colluding to ostracize this family. If that’s right, then I think this is wrong. 

Look: I like the Puritans as much as anybody, but this feels way too Scarlet Letter-y for me. Though I’m sure you all don’t intend it this way, that approach could  feel passive-aggressive, even cruel.

Rather than shunning them, I’d encourage a different approach. I’d start by trying to imagine what it feels like to be them. If my kid were the hitter, I’d feel embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated. Then think about what might be helpful for you.

Why not try to have a gentle, compassionate, and direct conversation with the parents? Try to empathize with them. I’m sure you know parenting is hard, and it’s not always clear what to do. Share your concerns. Maybe even share what’s worked for you. (When our kids hit, we remind them that hands are for helping, not for hurting.) Even if you’ve already done this, why not give it one more go? 

The children may also figure things out on their own. In my experience with my own kids, hitting has natural consequences. Kids don’t like to be hit. If a kid is a hitter, my kids will try to avoid being in the swing zone.  

This all may end up with you needing to draw a clear boundary with the family. But this is a much better way to do it than collective ghosting.

Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three children under ten, whom they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus. 

Q: I’m in my church’s young adults group, which isn’t very big. I recently matched with one of the women in the group on a dating app, but it’s been a few weeks and the app hasn’t connected us, so I’m wondering if she didn’t want to match with me. Should I say something? We see each other weekly. —Apprehensive in Alabama

Kiara John-Charles: The wonderful world of dating apps can be both intriguing and challenging. It can create confusion as we interpret every single stroke of the keyboard—or lack thereof. 

I can’t help but wonder why, if you were genuinely interested in this young woman from your young adults group, you didn’t ask her out in person. It raises the question of whether your interest is genuine or influenced by the dating app context. Would you have considered pursuing her if you hadn’t come across her profile on the app?

With that in mind, consider that several scenarios might have unfolded here: It’s possible that the dating algorithm worked against you, that she never saw your profile and is still unaware of the match. Alternatively, she might have seen your profile and felt awkward about encountering a familiar face, opting to swipe left out of sheer embarrassment or personal preference. 

To gain clarity, consider expressing your interest in getting to know her; it will provide insight into where you stand with her. If you are genuinely interested in dating this woman of God, take a chance and make your intentions clear. 

The worst-case scenario is that she declines, leaving you with a bruised ego. However, taking a leap and asking her out for coffee could lead to a deeper connection within your young adult community. Whether it turns romantic or develops into a new friendship, it’s an opportunity to explore and discover shared interests. 

Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.

Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.

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Q: A woman at our church wants to join my community group, but her husband doesn’t seem to want to connect with the men in the group, and now they don’t want to reach out to him either. The women want to invite the family to join, but I feel uneasy about the husbands’ relationship. —Hesitant in Hawaii

Beth Moore: You used a perfect word in your description: uneasy. One of the biggest challenges of fellowship within a local church is that we may have little in common beyond pulling into the same parking lot on Sundays. We may not even naturally like one another—yet the New Testament calls us family.

If community among flawed humans is anything at all, it’s uneasy, and Jesus likely fashioned it this way on purpose: to require not only his help but also his presence to foster prayer, faith, and the setting aside of personal preferences.

I’ve learned through the years that some of the relationships I found most bewildering to develop became the most satisfying over time. We fought hard for the relationship and won. Sometimes group dynamics prove too strained to maintain, but do give the Lord time to work.

I recommend asking the family to join. If the husband doesn’t wish to come, then you’ve not withheld community from the one longing for it. If he does come but remains aloof, receive him anyway and encourage the group to welcome him.

Disruption is a different story, but let us not be resistant to those who simply don’t feel like a good fit: God may be working toward deeper maturity in your group—and the husband may warm up over time and explain his reluctance.

God bless you all as you take the relational risks that invariably come with community! Seek the Lord, and if he leads differently, don’t give this matter another glance.

Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.

Q: I’m a runner involved in a local running group. The group is hosting a one-mile beer race: Before each quarter mile, you drink a whole beer. I’d be at least very buzzed—if not outright drunk—after four beers. Is this the kind of drunkenness the New Testament forbids? —Parched in Pennsylvania

Kevin Antlitz: The short answer is yes. When I think of what the Bible says about alcohol, I think of John’s gospel. Mary’s first words in this gospel, funnily enough, are “They have no more wine” (John 2:3). Jesus’ first miracle is turning water into wine. He did this at a Jewish wedding after the party had been raging for a while, which means the guests were probably already feeling pretty good.

But context matters. Of all things, a wedding is worth celebrating with a few brews.

I’m not so sure about a beer mile.

As I thought about your race, another runner and race came to mind: Eric Liddell and the race he didn’t run. Though a favorite to win the 100-meter dash in the 1924 Olympics, Liddell refused to run in the qualifying heats because they took place on a Sunday.

Liddell went on to win gold in a different event, but his costly obedience offers some helpful perspective. If Liddell was willing to forgo the chance at Olympic glory so as not to disobey the command to rest on the Sabbath (Ex. 20:8–10), you should probably forgo whatever glory is to be had around your local track so as to not disobey God’s prohibition of drunkenness (Eph. 5:18).

So I’d sit this one out—or ask if you can trade cans of beer for cups of milk. If the goal is to be miserable while running a mile, this will help you earn a new PR.

Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three children under ten, whom they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus.

Q: The last time a friend of mine came to stay with me, he visited my church. He’s disabled, and the sermon used a metaphor about disability. It was biblical, and he didn’t comment, but I know he didn’t appreciate it and can understand why. Now he’s coming to visit again. Do I invite him to church? —Mortified in Minnesota

Kiara John-Charles: I can only imagine how uncomfortable the entire sermon must have been for you. You invited a friend with a disability to church, expecting to share the positive experience you’ve had. But the sermon took an unexpected turn with a metaphor about disability, likely leaving you feeling awful.

It’s disheartening when our expectations aren’t met, especially when we’re excited to share an experience.

While your assumption that the sermon made him uncomfortable may be valid, it’s essential to acknowledge that you don’t know for sure. Our own anxieties can sometimes cloud our perception of a situation. And even if he did have unexpressed frustrations, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s against visiting your church again.

Consider asking God for guidance on how best to discuss the idea of attending church together during his visit. God will give you peace and clarity about how to proceed with the conversation.

If I were in your shoes, I would approach this talk casually, giving your friend the power to decide whether he wants to attend or not. Maybe just let him know what time the service is and that you plan to attend, welcoming him to join if he wants to.

If he declines, it provides an opportunity to explore why, if you feel comfortable doing so. On the other hand, if he agrees to come, it could lead to a positive experience, and this time he might find encouragement in a sermon that resonates with him.

Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.

Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.

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